My First Love

“Hey girls,” I say excitedly, leaning into the pink phone receiver, “I’ve got something to tell you all!” I give a dramatic pause, then unable to maintain it, blurt out, “I’ve met someone!” I hear the typical “ahhhs” & “oohs” (music to any girl’s ears). I go on, “I’ve got this great guy who’s always there for me – no matter what!” Okay, so I never really had that conversation with my pals, but I could have – cause it’s totally legit. And, if you are a fellow sister in Christ you’ve got Him, too! All right, so the jinx is up: my first love is Jesus!

In Revelation 2:4, the Lord tells John to write to the church in Ephesus telling them, among other things, this bold statement, “Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.” Some translations use the wording “You have left the love you had in the beginning” (NCV) or “abandoned” your first love. Jesus is our first love! So, now in light of all this & my search for an earthly love, I am not seeking a first love – that spots already taken =) – but a 3rd or 4th love or so. My dad gets the 2nd spot.

I’ve shared parts of my diary & my inner thoughts, but I’ve never shared this before…& as it has a big role in my story of accepting my first love, I’ll share it now. When I was 13, my 2nd love died. I always wanted to be like my daddy – he was (& still is) the most wonderful earthly man I’ve ever known. He was a humble, faithful servant who was truly in love with Christ. His life was a witness to others… I don’t have enough words or space to say it all. However, when he passed away, I wasn’t a Christian – I hadn’t accepted my first love. I knew my dad was in a better place & that gave me a bit of peace about his death, but my eternity was not looking so good. I had trouble accepting Him – giving up control & facing the fear of proclaiming I needed Him – Christ Jesus - in my life. Those three years without a father, until I made my decision to accept Christ at age 16, were truly hard – but without that hardship & struggle that drove me to the foot of the cross, I may never have surrendered & found the sweetest love I have ever known. Yes, even sweeter than my earthly daddy who I love more than I can say. Since then, there have been more hard years. But, looking back from the safety of my Father’s hand, I can’t imagine making it through those times with mere messed-up human love that can fail, falter, & never saves our souls or fills our empty spots. Without my perfect Father’s love that does not change, that cannot be earned, & that just plain doesn’t make since to our human heads – I can’t imagine making it through. You see, His feelings don’t change when I’m unlovable. He sees me when I first wake up in the morning & still calls me beautiful! Yes, He even sees those awful things I cringe when I think about, those moments of sin that leave me feeling worthless & ugly, & He still wants to use me, hold my hand, & wipe away my tears I caused myself & Him.

The other day I was all alone (that’s when I sing praises to my Father – when everybody leaves=) I was singing this song I love (you can hear it below) when all of a sudden, at a certain verse, I just started crying. Crying so hard that my voice became scratchy & soon no words would come...& I was just left to try & mouth them as the tears fell & fell… A few hours before I had found myself in a situation of my own making where I had truly felt unlovable. When I think about all the hurtful, horrible, ugly mess ups that I do (often repeatedly) – I can’t imagine not having my sweet Savior there to erase all that. I can’t imagine trying to muddle through this life with a heavy load of sin, & having no one to take it & to still love & want me.

I know tons of people look at their wedding day as the most important day of their life, & their choice to love this other person for the rest of their life as the most important decision they will ever make. But, I know my most important day was the day I accepted Christ, at age 16, & came up out of the waters of baptism new, & I know my most important decision ever was to accept my Savior’s gift of unexplainable, unending love for all eternity. I can check off both those “importants,” & get on with my life & experiencing & sharing the love I’ve come to know…not deserved or merited, but the love that was freely given because of God’s great love for us. Being with Him is more satisfying than being in a boyfriend’s arms or a husband’s heart. So, even though I’m on the lookout for my 3rd or 4th love, should he not be found, I feel secure knowing I have the greatest love I will ever experience in my first true love, Jesus.

Love,
-Bess-

P.S.: Remember, don't neglect your first Love!