Saturday, June 26, 2010

Secret Diary Continued...

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness & wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” -2 Corinthians 6:14 NIV

This is a continuation of my last post “My Secret Diary: For Your Eyes Only” (I recommend you read that first if you haven’t=). So, remember my bus guy (J) who asked me to an awful movie, but was “open to suggestions,” whom I “politely” declined? As I said in the last post, it shoulda been the end of the story. I knew this man wasn’t a Christian because of the flick he suggested… here comes the but… But, he pursued me! I mean being asked out was huge in itself, but being pursued, now that was a whole other ball of wax! This guy was seeking me & my good favor. I felt wanted, special, & worthwhile to a guy. It felt good. So, somehow my “no” on the movie date metamorphosed into e-mails, phone calls, a lunch meeting, & a movie date (this one was PG). What on earth had happened & what was I thinking?!

I was charmed by this new feeling in my life. I was charmed by my pursuer. The charm was making my emotions a hazy mess! How much do I care for J? Could he be the one – my prince charming? (NOTE TO SELF: He did ride in on a bus, not a white steed. But, maybe his horse was getting re-shoed. Horses need footwear right?) Do I care simply because he cares for me? I told J early on that the most important thing he should know about me was that I am a Christian. I asked him what the most important thing I should know about him was – it wasn’t Christ. But, I still held on to the fact that perhaps I could change him.

Bess’ Handy Dictionary Definitions
Missionary Dating: dating a non-believer in hopes that you can change the other person (i.e.: lead them to Christ) while pursuing the relationship; also known as a bad idea!

Missionary dating – yes, they stuck a label to this thing – seemed perfectly logical in the moment (covered over with the charm). I mean, you try to lead people to Christ anyways…wouldn’t it be easier to try & lead your guy to the Lord? I could be meant to help this man & then we fall in love & live happily ever after! I prayed for God’s will & wisdom in this crazy feeling situation. I couldn’t rely on my emotions to grant me sound guidance.

During this time I felt a surprising closeness to the Lord. (I look back & thank Him, because without the feeling of His strong presence (which is constant, we just don’t always feel it), I could have done things I would have regretted.) I had never shared my faith so much. I had never stood up for Jesus against someone who looked upon Christianity as some optimist’s “fairy tales” (yep, he used those words). Though, hear me now, I don’t recommend missionary dating to boost your spiritual life. In fact, I think God used this time as a wake-up call to remind me I’m supposed to be sharing my faith openly…something I still find myself working on (you know, I've discovered that there are a lot of things we are lifelong learners at). On the flip side, it doesn’t always end up like this. In missionary dating someone’s gonna change, & you don’t want to find yourself on the other side of the coin skipping Bible studies & church to be with your ungodly guy – a deep pit I’ve seen many girls fall into. If I had truly been attracted head-over-heels with this guy, & let our relationship get deep, I’m afraid that could have easily been me. Yes, I now know 2 Corinthians 6:14 to be true.

Equally YokedFashion Trends & Styles - Polyvore

On the way home from our movie “date,” (which I use the word loosely) as he walked me home, he reached for my hand & interlocked it with his. I looked down for a split millisecond at our intertwined fingers & then I yanked my hand out of his. (I laugh looking back! I hope no one I know saw me jerk my hand away from this man!=) This guy wasn’t for me. I didn’t know how to tell him so at the moment. He thought I was being shy or hard to get or who knows. But down deep, & slowly emerging, I knew this wasn’t my prince; he didn’t know my heavenly Father – he wasn’t even sure if He existed. He had said once that perhaps I could change him. As soon as he uttered those words something in me knew if any change came about it wouldn’t be for the right, real reason a change should take place. I didn’t want him to change for me, I only wanted him to change for himself. Soon after the movie date, he told me he wanted to be my boyfriend. Oh no, just when I’m figuring out it should be over between J & me! However, I held my resolve, & soon after that I told him I just wanted to be friends, if he even wanted that. I knew I could not have a relationship with a man who refused one with my King, the One who fills the empty spots. Yes, that man was just hoping I could fill some of his voids, but I would have failed him in that. I look back & smile so brightly just knowing I didn’t give anything away to this man. He didn’t get a single one of my kisses or even the smaller-scale intimacy of holding my hand!

I know some of you may not be convinced about this whole equally yoked thing, but I encourage you to read the Word & seek God’s guidance. Do you truly want a man who doesn’t know the Father; who’s sins still engulf & condemn him because he hasn’t accepted his Savior; who doesn’t have the hope of everlasting life; who can't lead your family in a godly way? Charm & selfish desire to be wanted can take over & blind ya – believe me, I know. I’m going to say a final note about this that I sincerely hope doesn’t make me sound like I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth. Some of you may know some happy godly couples who weren’t equally yoked at the start. I do, too. Here’s what I have to say… If you have someone you are interested in that isn’t a believer, but truly seems interested in knowing more about the Lord & is a general “nice” kind-hearted guy (that doesn’t invite you out to rated R movies=), & he wants to become involved with you - I say try friendship first (if at all possible) & encourage him to get to know the Lord: invite him to a group Bible study, church, etc. If he still hasn’t become a Christian after time, keep the friendship up, encouraging him in his faith (if you are just at the friendship level). If you’ve passed the friendship level, let him know you cannot be deeply involved & ultimately marry someone who isn’t a believer – show him the equally yoked Bible verse if you want to. Then, it can be in his hands to decide what he wants to do. If he doesn’t become a believer, say goodbye to him in a relationship sense. He can’t be your prince if he doesn’t know your King!


P.S.: J & I didn’t really remain “friends,” which is for the best in most of these type situations. After we became just “friends,” & school was out, we stopped riding the same bus, & life without phone calls, e-mails, nervous butterflies, secret smiles & charm seemed far away. I won’t say I never wondered what if & that I didn’t miss some of the excitement, but I can honestly say I felt good…just resting in God’s loving arms knowing I had done the right thing & listened to my Dadddy’s voice. I saw J on a couple occasions after, but they were just awkward times & I had to decline an invitation or two from him, but I’m so glad my prince (with the perfectly shoed white steed) who is in love with my King (then me) is out there & none of his kisses, hand holding, or anything else have been taken by another.

P.P.S.: Do you like my equally "yolked" pun? Pretty cheesy, huh?


  1. Nice post. Thanks for sharing something personal and what you learned from it to help some girls along the way!

    By the way, when I was younger and heard the verse about being equally yoked, I always thought they were talking about eggs. :)


  2. I love that...'He can't be your prince if he doesn't know your King'!!!

  3. Good thoughts Bess. And yes, I love your 'yoke' picture! That is great! It's good to know that, if I ever come across this situation, I won't be alone! Thank you for sharing, girl.


  4. Bess,
    I've really enjoyed reading about your experiences with dating non-Christians. It bothers me to see so many girls dating non-Christians and turning away from God because of it. I really appreciate your stand on that.
    Your sister in Christ,
    Liz Darcy

  5. LOL! When I was little, I thought that verse was talking about eggs too! :) That makes me smile.
    Thanks for the post Bess! It really helped me this morning.


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