My Secret Diary: For Your Eyes Only!

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness & wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” -2 Corinthians 6:14 NIV

Okay, so I used to not exactly want to acknowledge this verse. I thought, well Christians can date non-believers…it’s like a mission field sorta thing, right? God’s called His followers to tell others the Good News, so a person could totally work that into her/his dating life. A believer could lead someone to Christ & find love! What multi-task-ness! That’s being a good steward of time, too! My rationalizations were completely flawless…in my mind. The only thing was I had never had the opportunity placed in my path to try my hypothesis out…having never been approached by a guy for a date, until one day in my 2nd year of college…

My diary from that day tells it better than I could. NOTE: I’ve never been great (or even good) at keeping a daily, weekly, or even monthly diary. I would start out with very good intentions & then by the 6th or 7th day skip an entry or two, & soon my diary would lay unopened gathering dust. However, whenever anything really exciting, amazing, extraordinary happened, I would almost always write it in my dusty diary. During this time in my sophomore year of college it got a lot of use!

MORE BACKGROUND INFO: During my 1st two years of college, I rode the city bus to school. (Let me tell you, if you really want an education in street smarts, etc. use public transportation, but that’s a whole boatload of other stories.) Words in italics are taken directly from my diary. When you see “…” that’s because I’ve skipped ahead a little (you most likely aren’t interested in every silly word I wrote, so I try to keep it moving=). Also, my punctuation isn’t that great – who knew I would dare share my secret thoughts for all to see, so I didn’t worry too much with commas when I wrote it.

So now, without further ado, my secret diary, which has never been seen by any other eyes except my own…

This entry was written a couple days after the events took place.

April 2007
Wednesday seemed normal at the beginning… I put on my new Proenza Schouler [from Target people=] hoodie & my dark green khakis. When I had woken up my hair had been parted on the side, so I left it, because I liked how it looked. I decided to make a short braid with the rest – unusual for me – but I liked the effect… I got on the bus, put in my $1.50, & went to my seat. Then, just as I was getting settled…a man came over & sat in the seat on the opposite aisle, across – this man was the one who days earlier when I couldn’t find one of my quarters for fare, & had asked if anyone had one, had came over & lay the coin in my hand - & then the next time I had handed one back as seemed right to do – he spoke (he was the only other on the bus, except for the driver, the usual 2 or 3 already on, were missing) “Do you want to do something this weekend?” I think I gave a shocked look – at least wide eyes – but no smile. “I don’t know,” I said slowly. He mentioned a movie [it wasn’t a good one, which should have told me right then this guy wasn’t for me…but I was still in shock (that’s my story, at least)] I gave a wrinkled up look. He smiled or laughed or something. Then said, “I’m open to suggestions.” I believe I had said many “I don’t knows” by this time. I did not even know this man! His name was J*, I learned, but nothing else. I told him my first as well. I told him I’d think about it & let him know. Why didn’t I just say ‘no.’ I blame shock [See!]. He went back to his seat in the front, saying, “I’ll give you your privacy.” [Something about that sentence makes me kinda cringe. Even then it did. I don’t know.] The rest of the long ride I had to pretend I was reading – I went many pages, but read nothing really. I had to keep a straight face [which wasn’t easy for me]. I couldn’t wait for my stop. I walked when I got out [I had quite a wait for my next bus which would take me to school.] – a drizzling sprinkle had begun, but I didn’t care... I walked around the block twice. The cold & rain not stopping me. I would have to give him an answer the next day, because Friday was Good Friday.

I waited the next day for the bus – I wanted to flee… I prayed God would help me do the right thing. I knew to say no; there were many reasons: Easter weekend, I don’t know him, I’m too young, he looks too old [He was a few years older than I.], I don’t know him, the movie he suggested I had researched it [let’s just say it really wasn’t good]. The bus came & I managed to keep my feet firm on the pavement. I got on… J said good morning, & I answered cordially. I waited for him to come back, & ask, but he didn’t. That was relieving, but I had to tell him; I didn’t know how. I pretended to read again, &...copy useless titles on an assignment page. I didn’t know what to do. It would be rude if I didn’t say. Finally my stop, my stop along with many others. I got up into the flow, past the back door which was closest, & headed for the first. I had rehearsed many ideas to tell him in my head: …”no”; “no thank you”; “thank you, no.” But when I passed [by him] I decided to say, quickly,”I decided no.” I had to say it twice. I think he might have said something, but I went down the steps & left the bus. Happy it was over. But, was that foolish. I didn’t care if it was.

I still don’t know what to do – this foolishness fills my thoughts… I’ll have to face this man everyday I ride the bus, unless he leaves. This is what comes of smiling at people – they get ideas. I was just being nice. What shall I do?

The Honest Truth
This little paragraph was written directly under the entry with a little line separating it from the rest:

Part of me wanted to say yes. Wanting to be wanted by someone. But I couldn’t. I don’t want to think about this... I’ve prayed God take it from me. Let me let it go.
*identity withheld =)

This should be the end of it right? Right! But, sadly it wasn’t…that last part of the diary entry explains why. I did learn a lot about 2 Corinthians 6:14 through this experience, though…however some of what I learned was what not to do.

To Be Continued...