Friday, June 25, 2010

My Secret Diary: For Your Eyes Only!

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness & wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” -2 Corinthians 6:14 NIV

Okay, so I used to not exactly want to acknowledge this verse. I thought, well Christians can date non-believers…it’s like a mission field sorta thing, right? God’s called His followers to tell others the Good News, so a person could totally work that into her/his dating life. A believer could lead someone to Christ & find love! What multi-task-ness! That’s being a good steward of time, too! My rationalizations were completely flawless…in my mind. The only thing was I had never had the opportunity placed in my path to try my hypothesis out…having never been approached by a guy for a date, until one day in my 2nd year of college…

My diary from that day tells it better than I could. NOTE: I’ve never been great (or even good) at keeping a daily, weekly, or even monthly diary. I would start out with very good intentions & then by the 6th or 7th day skip an entry or two, & soon my diary would lay unopened gathering dust. However, whenever anything really exciting, amazing, extraordinary happened, I would almost always write it in my dusty diary. During this time in my sophomore year of college it got a lot of use!

MORE BACKGROUND INFO: During my 1st two years of college, I rode the city bus to school. (Let me tell you, if you really want an education in street smarts, etc. use public transportation, but that’s a whole boatload of other stories.) Words in italics are taken directly from my diary. When you see “…” that’s because I’ve skipped ahead a little (you most likely aren’t interested in every silly word I wrote, so I try to keep it moving=). Also, my punctuation isn’t that great – who knew I would dare share my secret thoughts for all to see, so I didn’t worry too much with commas when I wrote it.

Secret DiaryFashion Trends & Styles - Polyvore

So now, without further ado, my secret diary, which has never been seen by any other eyes except my own…

This entry was written a couple days after the events took place.

April 2007
Wednesday seemed normal at the beginning… I put on my new Proenza Schouler
[from Target people=] hoodie & my dark green khakis. When I had woken up my hair had been parted on the side, so I left it, because I liked how it looked. I decided to make a short braid with the rest – unusual for me – but I liked the effect… I got on the bus, put in my $1.50, & went to my seat. Then, just as I was getting settled…a man came over & sat in the seat on the opposite aisle, across – this man was the one who days earlier when I couldn’t find one of my quarters for fare, & had asked if anyone had one, had came over & lay the coin in my hand - & then the next time I had handed one back as seemed right to do – he spoke (he was the only other on the bus, except for the driver, the usual 2 or 3 already on, were missing) “Do you want to do something this weekend?” I think I gave a shocked look – at least wide eyes – but no smile. “I don’t know,” I said slowly. He mentioned a movie [it wasn’t a good one, which should have told me right then this guy wasn’t for me…but I was still in shock (that’s my story, at least)] I gave a wrinkled up look. He smiled or laughed or something. Then said, “I’m open to suggestions.” I believe I had said many “I don’t knows” by this time. I did not even know this man! His name was J*, I learned, but nothing else. I told him my first as well. I told him I’d think about it & let him know. Why didn’t I just say ‘no.’ I blame shock [See!]. He went back to his seat in the front, saying, “I’ll give you your privacy.” [Something about that sentence makes me kinda cringe. Even then it did. I don’t know.] The rest of the long ride I had to pretend I was reading – I went many pages, but read nothing really. I had to keep a straight face [which wasn’t easy for me]. I couldn’t wait for my stop. I walked when I got out [I had quite a wait for my next bus which would take me to school.] – a drizzling sprinkle had begun, but I didn’t care... I walked around the block twice. The cold & rain not stopping me. I would have to give him an answer the next day, because Friday was Good Friday.

I waited the next day for the bus – I wanted to flee… I prayed God would help me do the right thing. I knew to say no; there were many reasons: Easter weekend, I don’t know him, I’m too young, he looks too old
[He was a few years older than I.], I don’t know him, the movie he suggested I had researched it [let’s just say it really wasn’t good]. The bus came & I managed to keep my feet firm on the pavement. I got on… J said good morning, & I answered cordially. I waited for him to come back, & ask, but he didn’t. That was relieving, but I had to tell him; I didn’t know how. I pretended to read again, &...copy useless titles on an assignment page. I didn’t know what to do. It would be rude if I didn’t say. Finally my stop, my stop along with many others. I got up into the flow, past the back door which was closest, & headed for the first. I had rehearsed many ideas to tell him in my head: …”no”; “no thank you”; “thank you, no.” But when I passed [by him] I decided to say, quickly,”I decided no.” I had to say it twice. I think he might have said something, but I went down the steps & left the bus. Happy it was over. But, was that foolish. I didn’t care if it was.

I still don’t know what to do – this foolishness fills my thoughts… I’ll have to face this man everyday I ride the bus, unless he leaves. This is what comes of smiling at people – they get ideas. I was just being nice. What shall I do?

The Honest Truth
This little paragraph was written directly under the entry with a little line separating it from the rest:

Part of me wanted to say yes. Wanting to be wanted by someone. But I couldn’t. I don’t want to think about this... I’ve prayed God take it from me. Let me let it go.
*identity withheld =)

This should be the end of it right? Right! But, sadly it wasn’t…that last part of the diary entry explains why. I did learn a lot about 2 Corinthians 6:14 through this experience, though…however some of what I learned was what not to do.

To Be Continued...


  1. *Gasp!!!* Bess, actually darest to let us readers see her personal diary!!! *Gasp!!!!* I'm with you on the part of not being able to keep a daily journal. I have a lovely leather journal which I love very much, but after blogging came along well...
    Thanks for sharing this, Bess! Hope you are having a wonderful day, dearest friend!
    Love always,

  2. WoW! I don't share my diary with anyone except THE Creator. Those must've been some hard days... good ones though!

    Ta ta!

  3. Thanks for being brave and sharing!

    I've kept a journal {daily} for about 4 years. {That's roughing it}
    And it is sooo cool to look back on the embarrassing moments and other things.

  4. Wow, thanks for posting this, Bess! I can totally relate to some of your thoughts and feelings.

    P.S. My Book Sneeze book came today! But my brother stole it from me because he read the first chapter and couldn't put it down. :P

  5. Bess,
    I know what you mean about not being able to keep a diary. I totally understand your feelings, and I'm really enjoying hearing about them.
    Your sister in Christ,
    Liz Darcy

  6. Same on the diary thing, although I do try and keep it up. Two years ago when we went back to Canada for four months, well, I started keeping a journal then just 'cause things started getting really exciting. I'm so glad I did. It was just.... so neat to look back on what I'd written, and what my thoughts were at that time. That's mainly why I try to do it more.

    Goodness... I don't know what on earth I would do if some guy came up to me and asked me out! (Knowing me, I'd probably have fainted right on the spot. --Not because I was head over heels for the guy or anything--just outta plain shock!)

    The worst thing about boys that I have to reveal, is that I've had a marriage proposal already. No joke! Well, granted... I was only 8... lol! Oohhh I've laughed about that so much now, but I remember being so worried and shocked about it at the time! :D

    I so enjoy reading your posts Bess! I've been praying for you, sis!



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